Becca: So then I’m like, “Uh, yeah, duh! It says ‘EXTERNAL USE ONLY’ for a reason!” We were at the hospital for like seven hours! He stayed home tonight, his throat was still itching so bad.

Lori: Boyfriends are so dumb.

Becca: Tell me about it. It’s like this one time – oh, no. No, don’t look over there. Aw, nuts. Here he comes.

Lori: Who? Here who comes?

Desmond: And how does this New Year’s Eve find you good ladies, hmmm?

Becca: Hi, Desmond.

Lori: Oh, yeah, hi, Desmond.

Desmond: It’s pronounced “duh-MAWN”. French, you know.

Becca: Right, yeah.

Lori: I didn’t think you were invited to this party.

Desmond: Madam, a bon vivantsuch as myself is always on life’s guest list. I go where my desiresbid me, invitations be damned. And tonight, as always, I seek to toastthe new year with convivial company and a good port.

Lori: Hey, I like a good fart myself.

Desmond:That’s the kind of crude vulgarity that can be relieved by developingan appreciation for Wellington Vineyards Port. They’ve been making thisexquisitely rich dessert wine since 1992, when very few other Napa andSonoma wineries were, and their expertise glistens in every drop. Itjust so happens I have three different vintages cellared in the trunkof my Geo Metro right this very moment – would you care to accompany meoutside for a vertical tasting?

Becca: What, are you kidding? I’m not tasting anything of yours tonight.

Desmond:Ah, but just think of it: the blackberry and chocolate notes of theWellington 2003 Port, aching for sympathetic nuts or cheeses; the 2004,teetering thrillingly on a tightrope between sweetness and acid,intensity and finesse; the supple, coltish young 2005 at play in fieldsof fruit and spice. Each vintage’s unique character stands in boldrelief against the others, for a delightful sensual romp. It beggarsbelief that so much flavor and craft should fit so comfortably in onemid-size sedan’s trunk. And should you begin to feel peckish, just openthe glove compartment and help yourself to Stilton cheese.

Lori: Every girl loves a guy who keeps cheese in his glove box.

Desmond: So what say you? Shall we repair to the Geo Metro for further exploration?

Becca: Actually, I, uh, I need to go to the bathroom.

Lori: And I need to, uh, help.

Becca: Yeah, I’ve got this condition, I need help with it. It’s, uh, like a female thing.

Lori: Tell you what, why don’t you head on out there and we’ll come after she’s done, uh -

Becca: Doing my feminine thing.

Lori: Right, yeah.

Desmond: Splendid. Like I always say, any Port in a storm – or anywhere else! Ha ha! See you soon, ladies!

Becca: Bye!

Lori: Yeah, bye-bye!

Becca: Jeezis, what is his deal?

Lori: I know! Such a loser!

Becca: Hard to believe he’s going to inherit that company someday.

Lori: Wait, what? What company?

Becca: His Dad owns some kind of, like, I dunno, investment firm or something. He’s like a billionaire.

Lori: Seriously?

Becca: Yeah, why?

Lori: Well, uh, you know, I’ve heard good things about that Wellington Port. Hmm. Did he say what color that Geo Metro is?

2005 Wellington Port:

• Grape Composition: Syrah, Carignan, Durif (aka Petite Sirah), Grenache, Tempranillo, Mourvedre, Zinfandel, Sangiovese, Grand Noir and Alicante Bouschet
• Alcohol: 19%
• Residual Sugar: 8.5%

2004 Wellington Port:

• Grape Composition: Syrah, Carignan, Durif (aka Petite Sirah), Grenache, Tempranillo, Mourvedre, Zinfandel, Sangiovese, Grand Noir and Alicante Bouschet
• Alcohol: 19%
• Residual Sugar: 8.5%
• Average Production: 350 cases of 500ml bottles.

2003 Wellington Port:

• Composition: 50% Syrah, 40% Carignan 5% Durif (aka Petite Sirah), 5% combined blend of Grenache, Tempranillo, Mourvedre, Zinfandel, Sangiovese, Grand Noir and Alicante Bouschet
• Alcohol: 19%
• Residual Sugar: 8.5%
• Production: 464 cases
• Release Date: December, 2007

Rules and restrictions:

• Wine sold by winery (or a retailer in your state where necessary)
• You must be 21 or older to order
• Whoever receives the package must be 21 or older
• If you're drunk when the package shows up, you will not be allowed to receive it
• Wine cannot be delivered to a P.O. Box
• We highly recommend you use a business address as your shipping address

Thanks to stick-in-the-mud buzzkilling state legislators, wine may only be delivered to the following states:

• California
• Colorado
• Connecticut
• District Of Columbia
• Florida
• Georgia
• Idaho
• Illinois
• Iowa
• Louisiana
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Missouri
• Nebraska
• Nevada
• New Hampshire
• New Mexico
• New York
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Ohio
• Oregon
• South Carolina
• Texas
• Vermont
• Virginia
• Washington
• West Virginia
• Wisconsin
• Wyoming

If your state's not on the list, you're out of luck... for now. Keep up with the ever-changing laws over at ShipCompliantBlog.com, and/or sound the alarms with your state assembly person through FreeTheGrapes.org. Meanwhile, all Federal, state and local laws are complied with in providing this wine.