Hey, does that tea connect to an iPhone?

Then why the heck are you at CES?

Hi, I’m covering the Consumer Electronics Show for Woot. Yeah, I know, never heard of it. I get that a lot. Anyway, I see you’ve got Teatulia Tea 3-pack Samplers. Why? National Hot Tea Month? That’s a real thing? Sorry, it’s just that I expect pretty much everything here to do something in 3D or HD, be nano-sized, or attempt to kill the previous top-rated product in its genre. Tell me about your tea.

Sustainable? Well that’s cool. Green’s a big deal this year. You can compost the bags after use? Excellent. That’s like recycling your laptop. The tea comes straight from Bangladesh to the processing facility so there’s no sitting around in a warehouse like other teas? Perfect; faster load times, just like Microsoft is pitching. All the tea comes from one garden, instead of the typical hamburger-style mashup of leaves from all over the place? Talk about a Natural User Interface!

Yeah, I know, that one didn’t really even make sense. So are you beta testing these yet?

Bengal Breakfast, eh? Didn’t they open for Flock of Seagulls? Oh. Let’s see: golden brown color, nutty aroma, medium body with a slight sweetness at the end. I’d drink this over that stupid HP Slate Tablet any day!

Alright, Teatulia Black: now I know I have an album of hers. Really? Hmm. Well it’s kind of smoky. Not bitter though, which is nice. Smells faintly of apricot. You should really have this at the Consumer Breakfast Buffet Show.

Neem Nectar. What? No, that doesn’t sound anything like a band. Maybe a concept album by King Crimson or something. It’s kind of tart at the end, eh? Nice golden color. Crisp. Cleanses the old palate. Definitely an iPhone killer.

What? Like I said, it’s either got to be 3D, HD, tiny, or murderous.

And that is some murderous tea you got there.

Teatulia Black:

• Dry leaves: Small leaves with golden tips throughout. Faint apricot aroma.
• Aroma: Unbelievably fresh
• Color: Golden with a reddish hue
• Flavor: Bright, full body. Sweet, rich, absolutely refreshing. Slight nuttiness, slight smokiness. Tongue-coating, incorporating all of your taste buds with no bitterness. Perfectly balanced. Retains its identity with the addition of milk and sugar. Perfect any time at all.
• Tea bags made out of Soilon, safe to throw into a compost pile
• Contains 16 tea bags

Bengal Breakfast:

• Dry leaves: Large, mighty leaves that nearly burst out of the silken sachet when steeped
• Aroma: Nutty and buttery
• Color: Light golden brown
• Flavor: Smooth, medium body, with a mellow finish. Highly drinkable with a slight sweetness at the finish. A very familiar tea that can be easily enjoyed in large quantities.
• Tea bags made out of Soilon, safe to throw into a compost pile
• Contains 16 tea bags

Neem Nectar:

• Dry leaves: Medium-sized leaves mixed with bright green broken Neem leaf.
• Aroma: Full nose with a tartness at the finish
• Color: Golden
• Flavor: Totally unique. Bright, full-bodied with a delightful crispness. Cleansing on the palate. Goes very well with savory food. Exquisite on ice.
• Tea bags made out of Soilon, safe to throw into a compost pile
• Contains 16 tea bags
• Notice: Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take Neem. Neem should not be administered to children.